LOST
by Dreamweaver67
Summary: What is Jack thinking when Sam shows him the engagement ring from Pete?


_Disclaimer: No, they're not mine. They belong to Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions and MGM. (However, if they were mine, we could all have a lot of fun!) I reap no profit but my own mental health._

**LOST**

"Pete gave me this."

Jack knew. As soon as he saw the small black box, he knew what it contained. He reached out slowly to take it from her. He steeled himself as the opened the box. Yep, a diamond solitaire. Beautiful, too, damn it, just like she deserved.

"People usually wear these on their fingers," he told her with an effort that he hoped she didn't see.

"I haven't said yes," she told him. Her eyes – were they actually pleading with him? – met his. He forced himself not to look away. Carter pleading?

Jack's mind raced. What did she want him to say? To do? Inwardly he yelled at her, "No, Sam. Tell him 'No.' Don't leave me. Marry me instead. Tell Pete 'No.' Give us a chance."

But he was her CO. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't ask, beg her to leave Pete, to give him, Jack, a chance instead unless he wanted to get them both court-martialed. For himself, he didn't care, but he would not do that to Sam.

Jack handed the ring box back to her – what was she thinking? - and made his way slowly back to his office. He closed the door behind him and dropped heavily into his chair. Unseeing, he stared at the file in front of him. Forcing himself to work, he managed to clear the backlog on his desk before Walter came to update him on the base status at the end of the day. But between his eyes and his work lingered the sight of a shining diamond and troubled blue eyes. He had no idea what he had read, what Walter had said.

Mechanically he made his way home and into his house. Pulling a beer out of the fridge, he twisted the cap off and plopped onto his couch. Where, he wondered, was Sam? Was she somewhere accepting Pete's proposal? Would he take her out to dinner to celebrate or would they stay in and …. Jack cut that thought off instantly. Wherever she was, whatever she was or wasn't doing, a part of her was here with him, held closely in his heart as she had been for so many years. The spot beside him where she often sat when SG-1 gathered at his place for movies and pizza felt emptier than ever. His untasted beer hung loosely in his grasp.

"You belong here, Sam. Here with me," he muttered, never noticing that the beer he drank was now warm. "But why would you want ever want me? I'm old. You deserve someone young, full of dreams. Not some washed up old soldier with more scars than he can count."

The sun set in a blaze of glorious color just outside the window. The sky was painted rose and gold and purple and indigo but Jack saw none of it. All he could see was a pair of incredibly blue eyes, a worried furrow creased between them. What had she wanted him to say? Talk her into it? He'd rather die. Talk her out of it? He didn't have the right. Had he ever? There had been something between them, but their jobs, their rank had never let them find out what.

Jack knew without a doubt that he loved her. In all the ways, with all the strength that a man could love a woman, he loved Sam. Had for years. Would for the rest of his life. No matter what she did with that diamond ring. He was hers. There was nothing he could do to change that and he realized he didn't want to change it. Even if she married Pete, and he gasped out loud at the thought, he would still want to love her. That way he would always know that there would be one person who cared enough to give up his life for her, even if she would never know it herself.

He couldn't blame her really. After so many years, with only a handful of stolen moments, who wouldn't want a real relationship, a real life? Given their jobs, there was never any guarantee that they would live out the week, let alone be able to have any kind of personal relationship beyond the friendship they shared with the rest of their team. He had been willing to wait, sure that someday, sometime, something would change. He would retire or she would transfer to Area 51 or someone would decide that the regs shouldn't apply to people who worked in such a restricted environment. Jack knew that they weren't the only people at the SGC who suffered from the fraternization regs. He also knew of several couples who were quietly breaking those same regulations, even one couple who had been secretly married for several years. He ignored the infractions, as Hammond had before him. Keeping the SGC and all of its doings secret from their closest families and friends was unimaginably hard for the personnel. The divorce rate was phenomenal. At least the couples who were secretly involved could talk over the ups and downs of their jobs with each other. Jack privately thought that those relationships should be encouraged. The individuals knew the risks each took and that gave them an additional interest in working to the very best of their ability. Waiving the fraternization regs would actually boost morale for everyone.

Jack admitted that he had always held himself to a higher standard, to the very letter of the regulations. He had commanded the premier unit. Now he commanded the SGC. He refused to allow even the hint of improper behavior to tarnish SG-1's reputation. Their high profile unit made them a perfect target. Sam's career was on the fast track to the top. He knew she could easily become the highest-ranking female officer in the Air Force. Ever. Nothing should stand in her way, especially not the scandal of being romantically involved with her CO. No matter how much the CO wanted her. He knew that if they were involved, it would mean the end of Sam's career and of SG-1. It would mean separation, at least on a professional level. He had never been willing to risk it.

Now he wondered if he should have. Would she have admitted that she loved him, too? Would she have been willing to risk her career, risk court-martial? Would she have thought him worth the risk? Only now did Jack realize that he had been afraid, of what she might say, of being rejected. What if she felt only friendship for him? Only the closeness that develops in a team that fights together for years? He cursed himself for his cowardice. No wonder Sam had moved on. If she felt anything for him, she must have gotten tired of waiting, had probably thought that Jack didn't feel anything for her anymore.

Briefly he toyed with the idea of going to her, calling her, telling her now. He discarded it quickly. She had Pete. Jack no longer had any reason to think that she would want to know that he cared for her as much as he did. If she cared, wouldn't she have said something, done something, to let him know? Wouldn't she have waited? There had been looks, and a little casual flirting when they'd been out with the team. So, yeah, she had done something. So had he. Neither one of them had ever pursued it any further. Could she have been afraid too?

Then along came Pete. Pete who had learned about her classified job, could talk to her about it, who wasn't her commanding officer. A relationship with Pete couldn't get her court-martialed, couldn't sink a brilliant career.

Jack felt himself pulled deeper into despair, the pain in his heart overwhelming him. The black pit where he had dwelt for so long after Charlie died yawned in front of him, threatening to drag him in again. He fought it, knowing that he couldn't succumb. He had people counting on him now, Daniel, Teal'c, the whole SGC. And he still had enough pride that he was determined not to let Sam know how deeply he hurt, how he envied Pete. It would only hurt her and he knew, as well as he knew that he loved her, that he couldn't stand to see her hurt.

Happy. He wanted Sam to be happy. If Pete made her happy, then that's what Jack wanted for her. Tears burned at the back of his eyes, making him blink furiously to keep them from spilling down his face. The thought that it would be Pete, not Jack, sharing the rest of her life, buying a house, having children, growing old with her doubled him over in pain. As long as Sam is happy, he told himself, curling his body protectively around his heart. If she is happy, I can stand anything. Sam deserves to be happy. She deserves everything good. Roughly he wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. As long as Sam is happy.

He swallowed the sobs that were choking him. He wouldn't give in. He would be her CO, her friend, whatever she needed him to be. Sam would worry about Jack if she thought he was upset, so he would hide from her all that he felt. Jack had no doubt that Pete loved her, would take care of her. Sam could be happy with Pete. If she was happy, Jack would ask for no more.

There in the night, Jack schooled himself to take a distant role in Sam's life. They could remain friends, as long as Daniel and Teal'c were there as a buffer. He would let her think, let them all think, that his feelings for her had faded as hers for him had. No one but him would know the difference. He would hide his heart, his love for her. All he cared about was Sam's happiness.

Jack vaguely realized that the sky outside was the deep black that only comes in the middle of the night. He should try to sleep. He would dream of Sam. He always did. "At least," he told himself, "in my dreams, she loves me."

Tomorrow would be soon enough to try to learn to live without her.


End file.
